I don't understand

So nothing, short of a miracle, will keep my cousin alive. She has been in a coma since New Year's Eve and my Aunt has to decide whether to take her off the breathing machine by Monday. I am heartbroken. It's not even so much that Mikki and I were close in our adulthood. We hung out as children moreso than any other time. So it's not necessarily that my day to day life will be impacted, but I ache for my Aunt, for my brother (who is practically joined at the hip with Mikki) and for Jayden, whose little life will never be the same. And I just don't get it. I can't see what good will come out of her death. In my mind, it seems like a good old fashioned healing would have been much more beneficial to everyone involved. But isn't that why I'm not God (one of the bajillion reasons, of course)? Because I can't see the bigger picture. Because I don't know what is in store.

I pray that even one person, one single person would come to know Jesus as their Lord through this tragedy. I pray that instead of turning people farther away from God, this will bring them to His feet. And I pray that God will release me from the horrible guilt that I feel. It makes me feel sick to my stomach to think that I honestly don't know where she will spend eternity. I don't understand why I didn't bring up Jesus - hello - it was CHRISTMAS EVE...what better time?? I'm such a coward. Maybe not even a coward...that's probably not the right word. I've become lazy and apathetic. It didn't even cross my mind to talk about my Savior when she and I were chatting. We were talking about having babies and the pain of labor and joking about how much food we had eaten...I didn't even THINK to tell her that Jesus has changed my life. What kind of Christian does that make me? (That doesn't require a response...)

But, I know that I've got to put this down. See, the sins that Jesus died for weren't just the sins that I committed BEFORE I accepted Him. As in "I'll forgive you for everything that you did before December of 2002, but girl after today, you're on your own..." And sometimes I forget that. I forget that the covering of His grace is sufficient for all the junk that I carried to the cross with me and all the rotten things I've done since. And so I rest in the promise of His forgiveness. And I praise Him for this sweet conviction that I feel. It lets me know that His Holy Spirit is alive and working in my heart. I pray that I would be bold and never apathetic or assuming again.

Sorry this post has been sort of a rambling of my jumbled up thoughts. But if you've made it this far, I appreciate you reading and I covet your prayers.

Happy 2009 & an update on Mikki

I can't believe that last year, at this time, I was giving birth to Kendall. I'm about to be a broken record here, but seriously - where does time go? The first couple of weeks of motherhood were scary and seemed to dddrrraaaggg by. But after that, it's like someone pressed fast forward and here we are.

2008 was a pretty amazing year. Having Kendall completely changed my heart, my marriage, my overall outlook on a lot of things for the better. The Lord has used her to build relationships with people, to soften my heart towards situations/people, to increase my trust in Him as He holds her life in His very capable hands. Being a mom is the most awesome and satisfying, yet the most terrifying thing I've ever experienced. How is it possible to love someone this much? What happens if she chooses a path that isn't right for her? What happens if someone hurts her? How can I protect her forever?

Aren't those things that the Lord deals with when He looks at me? After all, I am His child. How many times has He watched as I made a decision that He knew wasn't right? How often do I hurt His heart by neglecting to nurture my relationship with Him? I pray that the Lord uses my love for Kendall to help me understand just a fraction of the love that He feels for His children.

Okay - enough of the deep stuff. Let's think of things that were cool about 2008...I'll shoot for 10 things:

1. I discovered that Costco carries Welch's fruit snacks. By the case. As in 80 packages. Yum.

2. I found the pea coat that I thought was lost forever when I cleaned out our closet in preparation for Kendall's arrival.

3. I played Santa for the first time.

4. I tried my hand at making baby food and actually enjoyed it.

5. I started watching The Office. Wow.

6. I decorated the house for Christmas and was happy to show it off.

7. I learned the value of hand-me-down toys. Thanks to all that came through in a pinch.

8. I made progress in figuring out how to do my child's hair. Sure to be a life-long struggle.

9. I learned that if my house isn't spotless all the time, life will go on.

10. I finally got a digital frame.

Now, those are kind of silly, but I hope that those that actually read this blog know my heart and realize that I am more grateful than I can express in words for the life that my Lord has blessed me with. A relationship with the Savior of the world, a husband that gives me butterflies in my stomach, a daughter that brings joy to my heart, extended family that blow me away with their love and kindness, friends to make memories with, a job that I enjoy, a church that is all about Jesus...I could go on and on. Oh, I praise God for all that He is. May 2009 be a year that I am fully surrendered to His plan for the life of this family.

**Update on Mikki**

Thank you to everyone that has been praying for my cousin. I wish I could bring better news than I have to bring. We thought that we saw a light at the end of the tunnel...she had become responsive, more alert on Sunday and Monday and then yesterday and today took a turn for the worst. Tonight, they did brain surgery to try and relieve some of the pressure in her brain. The surgeon came out to talk to us and didn't paint a very promising picture. The stroke that she had was pretty massive and damaged quite a lot of brain tissue. He cut out a section of her skull (sorry to be graphic) to allow some of the pressure to be relieved and unfortunately, the space that created was already in danger of being filled by more swelling. There is sure to be damage to her brain and functioning if she does pull through this. But I believe in miracles. I really, truly do. I told God earlier today that I honestly, from the bottom of my heart can not see a reason why this has happened and He reminded me that I don't need to see a reason for anything. The Lord has a plan. Sitting at the hospital tonight, watching the ball drop on television bringing in the New Year, I was laughing with family that 2 months ago I wouldn't have even been talking to. I saw Ronnie embrace my aunt tonight, exchange "I Love You's" and a kiss...wouldn't have happened a year ago. The Lord is at work in this situation.

I pray from the bottom of my heart that God sees fit to pull Mikki through this. She is so young and I just keep thinking about her son and how tragic losing her would be. Please join me in prayer, if you haven't already.

May you and yours be blessed in 2009...

Merry Christmas...and a prayer request

So Christmas was crazy for my Kendall. The picture above sums up her exhaustion by the end of the day (and it's also my favorite picture ever). Christmas Eve was spent at church (awesome service - short and sweet and meaningful), then at my Aunt Tina's house with Ronnie's family (which ended up being more meaningful than I knew at the time...more on that in a minute).

We got Kendall to bed and played Santa for the first time, which was truly the best thing! We had a good time setting her things out for her. Granted, there was nothing to put together this year. The main attraction for us was a way cute toy box that she could have cared less about, but I know she'll use for years and years.

Mom, Ronnie and Meg came over for Christmas morning breakfast and to see Kendall's gifts. Then we got ready and went over to James' parents for lunch. We also saw a very close friend of ours that moved to Atlanta last year. He came over for lunch and met Kendall (and brought her the cutest Duke outfit that she'll proudly rock as soon as the weather gets warmer). Then we headed over to mom's for dinner and to open presents there. Whew! I know how tired I was, so I KNOW my KK was exhausted. She was not a happy camper by the end of the evening. Next year, we may have to rethink how we do things.

Kendall also made the all important move to cow's milk over the holiday. She doesn't seem all too thrilled about it, but I'm sure she'll get used to it soon. She's drinking from a cup like a champ, so I'm hoping if I consistently offer her milk she'll end up loving it.

Now on to other news. I mentioned earlier that Christmas Eve ended up being more meaningful than I knew. Last night I got the call that my cousin, Mikki, had been rushed to the hospital for a severe brain bleed. She had been battling a headache earlier in the day and started sort of talking crazy and was unable to function, so her brother called an ambulance. As of right now, she's in ICU, ventilated and receiving medicines to hopefully stop the swelling in her brain that the bleed caused. They have determined that the bleed was due to a stroke, but they have no answers as to why a 24-year old healthy woman would have a stroke. Please pray for Mikki. She is a sweet, sweet woman. A single mother to a 5 year old little boy. She spent a lot of time loving on Kendall on Christmas Eve and she and I spent a lot of time chatting and laughing that night. It makes me feel good to know that we were able to spend time together, but it also shows how quickly life can turn on a dime. I must admit that I'm not sure if Mikki is a believer or not and of course I'm full of guilt for not bringing up spiritual matters when she and I were talking. Also, please pray for her mother, my Aunt Tina, Ronnie's sister...she has known such loss and hardship in her life and I just know that behind her tough facade, she is dying inside. Please pray that God is glorified through all of this.

I hope everyone had an excellent Christmas and will have an awesome New Year! We are celebrating KK's one year birthday on Thursday. Gosh - time flies!

Weekend festivities

So I guess I'm the hostess with the mostess this holiday season. Last year I was a grinch in the worst way on account of my pregnancy discomfort. The year before that I wasn't confident enough of my "skills" to have anyone over. This year, however, I'll invite you over even if I don't know you. I think it's because I'm proud of my fireplace motif. I went crazy and got some sparkly poinsettias and I think I should be on MTV Cribs.

Anyhoo - this weekend we're having two events here. Tomorrow, my mother-in-law, sister-in-law and two of my sister-in-law's good friends are coming over for lunch. This is the second girls lunch we've had with Sonya's friends and it really makes me feel good to have them over. I was convinced for a while that Sonya didn't care much for me, but ever since Kendall has been born, we're like in-law BFFs. It's great.

Then Sunday evening, we're having my dad, stepmom and three sisters over for finger foods and to exchange PRESENTS!! WOO HOO! It'll be fun to see my sisters...especially Lexie and Lindsay who are in college in Florida. I haven't seen them in months. However, I'm wiggin out because I bought discount movie tickets for the whole family for Christmas and guess what WAS NOT in the mail this week? Yep - the tickets. We'll have to go to plan B if they're not in the mail tomorrow. (If anyone has suggestions for a Plan B, please let me know).

All better!

Turns out I had a nasty sinus infection. I felt like my head weighed 50 pounds and my sinuses were filled with concrete. But, I'm telling you, the Lord healed me. I mean that thing.

Kendall is also doing better. I don't know what was up with her explosive diapers...

Christmas decorations are up, shopping is pretty much done and a lot has been wrapped. Kendall is getting a toy box from Santa and it was delivered on Friday. I LOVE IT! I'll have to take a picture and post. It is WAY cute and I think she'll be able to use it for years, both as a toy box and as a seat in her room.

Friday night we had family over that we haven't really seen in a while. I made chili and we just hung out playing with Kendall. It was really nice. It's amazing to me how God works. Long, long story, but everything turned out really well. And Kendall took THREE STEPS!! Woo hoo! She hasn't done it again, of course - but hey. Gotta start somewhere.

The -itis

It seems like we've had some sort of illness at the Mason home for like 2 months now. I suppose some of it can be chalked up to having a sweet precious baby now, but geez!! Last night, we went to bed fine. This morning, I had a sore throat, Kendall was snotty again and by mid-day had truly disgusting diahrrea (the kind that has you considering just cutting the clothes off of her instead of washing them...ugh). So pray for us. I've Lysoled the house and am going to embark on a crusade to wash my hands at least 928 times a day.

I'm really not complaining...we are blessed with good health and I sincerely thank God for that. And oddly enough, Kendall and I have had some of our sweetest moments when we're not feeling 100%.

However, Im a little bummed I missed Sunday festivities. There was dancing at church this morning and I've been looking forward to seeing it for weeks. And my LifeGroup is enjoying breakfast for dinner tonight. Pancakes and fellowship - can't beat that with a stick.

Hope everyone has an awesome week!

Thankful

Thanksgiving is here again! Seems like only yesterday I was making a sugar-free pumpkin cheesecake, rubbing my huge belly and feeling Kendall kick. My how things have changed in a year!! Kendall still kicks, but now it's when I'm trying to change her diaper. Any cheesecake that I eat this year will definitely have sugar and I am so full of love and gratitude that I feel like my heart will burst at any moment. So - some serious things that I am thankful for, then some not-so-serious things:

* The relationship that I have with Jesus. It's been tough this year. I've let down my end of the relationship too many times to count. I've allowed "stuff" - some important, some not important - to busy my time. I've been lazy. But He forgives me and I don't deserve that grace, but I'm thankful for it.

* My precious husband. I've seen a side of James since the birth of Kendall that literally amazes me. He's gentle and patient, sweet and loving and it just melts my heart.

* My daughter. I've never known such a love. She's the answer to so many prayers, the source of so much laughter and joy. Oh, how I pray that the Lord will use me to direct her to Him and that her days would be full of serving Him. Words fail me when I think of her.

* Our extended family. They have supported us, prayed for us, given to us out of their love for us...they are so wonderful. Mom, who blesses us by taking care of Kendall during the day. Ronnie, who lights up when he sees her. Megan, who shows a tenderness with Kendall that I've never seen her display before. James' parents, who always anticipate our physical needs. And on and on.

* My LifeGroup. I was hesitant about the whole LifeGroup thing. I didn't understand that it would change my life forever. I've never had friends like this before...friends that are in the trenches with me, that love my child like their own, that I know pray for me, that make me laugh, that tell me when I'm being a brat. This is not to say that I don't have amazing friends outside of this group. Of course I do and I'm so grateful for them. I just really believe that the Lord answered a cry of my heart - one that I hadn't even voiced audibly - with these families.

Okay - I could go on forever - my home, our jobs, our cars, food, warmth...but here's a few that I just have to throw out there, they seem trivial, but I am genuinely thankful for them:

* My new cell phone. It barely ever drops calls (unlike the piece of junk I had before), has large numbers and I totally heart my keypad for texting.

* Portrait Innovations. They are cheap, they are quick and they take great pictures. And hello - you get to change clothes while you're there! You totally feel like a model when you get to change clothes.

* The blue snot sucker that they give you in the hospital. This thing has really come through for us given that Kendall has the thickest, stickiest snot known to mankind. Sucks it right out.

* Rotisserie chickens. Man, those things are good. And cheap, fast, ready to go. Love them.

And last, but certainly not least - Redbox. Megan turned me on to $1.00 movies and I'm never looking back.

I pray that you and yours have an awesome time of thanks giving. Be safe!