I don't understand

So nothing, short of a miracle, will keep my cousin alive. She has been in a coma since New Year's Eve and my Aunt has to decide whether to take her off the breathing machine by Monday. I am heartbroken. It's not even so much that Mikki and I were close in our adulthood. We hung out as children moreso than any other time. So it's not necessarily that my day to day life will be impacted, but I ache for my Aunt, for my brother (who is practically joined at the hip with Mikki) and for Jayden, whose little life will never be the same. And I just don't get it. I can't see what good will come out of her death. In my mind, it seems like a good old fashioned healing would have been much more beneficial to everyone involved. But isn't that why I'm not God (one of the bajillion reasons, of course)? Because I can't see the bigger picture. Because I don't know what is in store.

I pray that even one person, one single person would come to know Jesus as their Lord through this tragedy. I pray that instead of turning people farther away from God, this will bring them to His feet. And I pray that God will release me from the horrible guilt that I feel. It makes me feel sick to my stomach to think that I honestly don't know where she will spend eternity. I don't understand why I didn't bring up Jesus - hello - it was CHRISTMAS EVE...what better time?? I'm such a coward. Maybe not even a coward...that's probably not the right word. I've become lazy and apathetic. It didn't even cross my mind to talk about my Savior when she and I were chatting. We were talking about having babies and the pain of labor and joking about how much food we had eaten...I didn't even THINK to tell her that Jesus has changed my life. What kind of Christian does that make me? (That doesn't require a response...)

But, I know that I've got to put this down. See, the sins that Jesus died for weren't just the sins that I committed BEFORE I accepted Him. As in "I'll forgive you for everything that you did before December of 2002, but girl after today, you're on your own..." And sometimes I forget that. I forget that the covering of His grace is sufficient for all the junk that I carried to the cross with me and all the rotten things I've done since. And so I rest in the promise of His forgiveness. And I praise Him for this sweet conviction that I feel. It lets me know that His Holy Spirit is alive and working in my heart. I pray that I would be bold and never apathetic or assuming again.

Sorry this post has been sort of a rambling of my jumbled up thoughts. But if you've made it this far, I appreciate you reading and I covet your prayers.