At times like these...

Yesterday was both an exciting day and a scary day for our family.  We had our follow-up ultrasound (because the baby was laying in a weird position last time and the tech couldn't get all of the measurements that she needed).  We got to see some really sweet shots of our sweet GIRL (yep - still a girl) and even got to come home with some 4D pictures (didn't get any of those with Kendall).  The tech was able to get all of the measurements that she needed and then I met with the doctor.

It turns out that the baby's head is measuring very small - somewhere around the 4th percentile while her other measurements are around the 40-60th percentiles.  The doctor tried to make me feel better, but is concerned enough to be sending us for a Level II ultrasound at Duke tomorrow morning.

I'm a wreck.

It's times like these that I realize how much more work God has to do in me.  I would love to say that I've handled the situation with faith and calm, but really yesterday found me standing in my kitchen raising my voice at my faithful and calm husband because he is so faithful and calm and I'm so...not.  I wish I could say that I didn't hop right on the internet (which is what the doctor told me NOT to do), but I did and now I've scared myself senseless.  I wish I could say that whatever God shows us tomorrow, I'm okay with because I know it's His plan, but I'm just a mommy who wants a healthy baby and I'm afraid and confused and I feel like that hot dog I ate in the mountains must have somehow hurt my child...okay, that's pushing it, but I am filled with guilt that if something is wrong that it's my fault.

Granted, everything could be fine and I could be borrowing trouble and making myself sick over nothing.  But how do you ever get to the point where you can patiently wait on something like this without worrying?  I would think that after nearly 10 years with Jesus, I'd have this thing down.  But I don't.

Here's what I do know - I am blessed beyond measure.  I have the love and support of so many people that it makes my head spin.  I know that there are literally hundreds of people praying for my sweet girl and I know that God hears all of those prayers and that He will prepare and equip us for whatever tomorrow holds.  He loves my daughter far more than even I do and He has a plan, not only for me but for her.

So in the midst of fear and worry and a hurting heart, there is also hope knowing that God's showing me something in all this...even if I can't see it right now.